Merry Christmas, happy Yule, happy Hanukkah and happy Diwali!
Do I have everyone covered? 🙌
I put out some of the decorations at the beginning of December. Today, I finally put up the tree. Got the lights on and some garland (after the picture). I realized that I need a new tree. I think I knew that last year and didn’t do anything about it. *laughs* The tree is bent, missing branches and while I was putting it up bits of the ‘fir’ were falling off – much to my cat’s joy.
My daughter will add the rest of the decorations and then I will put the angel on top.
That will be the extent of the decor. Merry making will be small.
Family gathered will consist of my children, The Boyfriend and possibly my ex-husband and his girlfriend. She has surgery on the 18th and radiation therapy for a few weeks after that. They may not be up to doing anything more than sitting on a couch and watching Christmas morning unwrap in front of them.
For me, Christmas is a time of stress, joy and a lot of work. It’s massively important to me to carry on the feelings and traditions from my childhood – warmth, family, generosity, love. Unfortunately, I put a lot of pressure on myself.
(Oh good grief! I started this post three days ago. Shit happened and I promptly forgot about it. Let’s see if I can finish it.)
This year is particularly hard. Partly because I have to watch my ex-husband, whom I count as a friend (though sometimes it’s difficult), suffer through watching his girlfriend deal with breast cancer. He is standing by her in everything and that is excellent. She had the tumor removed yesterday and everything points towards the cancer being completely gone just by surgery, so I’m hopeful.
In larger part because I have to watch someone I love get hurt over and over again in a (VERY!) bad marriage they can’t get out of without losing the children. They also wouldn’t thank me for talking about it.
Mostly though, it’s because of my health.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to finish this post until today because of what happened yesterday. I had my MRI Monday evening and they told me that Doc S would be able to access the results on the hospital’s e-net. Found out yesterday that he couldn’t do that because he doesn’t have privileges at that hospital and we have to wait until they fax it to him. Hopefully, we’ll be able to talk about it when I have my infusion on Monday.
Two things happened yesterday that spiraled me further down into a major fit of depression and two crying jags – one of which lasted quite a while.
First, while we were in my appointment and talking about the lack of MRI results I said, “I hope it shows something – ” here Doc S finished my sentence with me “- that can be fixed.” Then he chuckled almost apologetically and gave me a sad smile. “I wouldn’t depend on that,” he said.
What the fuck!
Then we went shopping for walkers. What a depressing experience that was. It wasn’t that the shop or staff were bad or even that the atmosphere was. It was that I’m 41 and we were buying me a permanent assisted living device.
Spent part of yesterday evening crying.
Then this morning I read my tarot card choices for yesterday. It’s something I started on a whim – choosing one of the cards a local psychic offers on Facebook every morning. Most of the time, the cards actually have good messages on them that are appropriate. Yesterday’s cards are no different.
The first one is called “The River Queen” and it reminds me that life is fluid. There is very little rigidity to it. Things fluctuate, flow and change out of necessity. To me, the only unchanging things about life (besides bills! *laughs*) is that we breathe. Even that isn’t permanent but as long as we are living, we breathe. And to get along in life we must remember to breathe, deeply, and let things flow from us with the exhalation. Breathe in peace, breathe out stress. Namasté.
The other card is “The High Lady of Love and Compassion.” She reminds us that love is our life force. That love is real and that we are made from it. “We align ourselves and are conscious of who we really are when we have compassion, generosity, reverence, respect, empathy, courage, faith, hope, integrity, persistence; all leading to brotherly love. The High Lady is here to remind you that you are never alone, always loved and cherished.”
I couldn’t have said that better. It also reminds me that somewhere in the last few weeks, I’ve forgotten about positive thinking and, to a large degree, gratitude.
So, for Christmas, I will be posting a gratitude blog and I encourage you to spend the next few days thinking about all the things you are grateful for. This is a very material time of year – from American Thanksgiving to Christmas – and people lose sight of what the holidays are about. Stop and think, for just a few moments.
And I will try to slog my way out of this depression. It’s not chemical, it’s situational, but once depression has its claws in you it doesn’t matter what’s causing it, it is difficult to battle. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now and I hope that you can too.