I know it’s been quite a while, again, but school has taken dominion over all else. I want to discuss the year with you though. It’s been…bi-polar at best. Wild swings up and down.
There have been 130+ worldwide celebrity deaths. The American battle for president was between H. Clinton and Trump and Trump won. I don’t care to follow politics but what the fuck was America thinking?
None of that affects me personally though. I know what’s going on, for the most part, but my concern is my family, immediate and extended. And we have had some pretty major events. Here are some of them…
I published Highland Wolves 2. I will be making a change to it though, one that has a major impact on book 4. If you have a copy of the current one, it will become special in the next few days. I will keep you appraised.
The government finally agreed that yes, I am fucking disabled and they should help me.
That enabled me to go back to school. I got through the first half of term one (I can only deal with 3 courses at once, not six, so I am doing half a term at a time) with a 4.0 GPA. I start the second half of term one on the 4th.
Girlkid got accepted to the equestrian program at the University of Guelph, one of the top schools in North America and one with a world reknown reputation for vetrinary care training. It is the only school on this continent or in the UK that offers her the science and other types of training that she wants to get her on the career path she dreams of.
Boykid has the love of his life with him again.
I am able to do yoga regularly and enjoyed a small remission in some of my symptoms.
Boykid was assaulted in September and he took the assault in order to protect his girlfriend. Now he’s dealing with PTSD.
My health has not changed, despite the remission. I got bonchitis right before Christmas, capping off a flare in symptoms that started in September.
My maternal grandmother died on Christmas day.
Four days later… I don’t know that I should talk about this but…Well, I’m sitting here fighting tears so I will talk about it. Damn those who would keep me silent.
Normally, I wouldn’t bring up something so personal but this is important. It has lessons that I hope will help others.
Wolfman has suffered from depression for years, and had some major ups and downs. This year he had a couple of major blows that I won’t talk about here. He took some time for himself to try and get it together. It didn’t seem to help.
Then I made a catastrophic mistake and he felt like I betrayed him. Part of it was that I didn’t listen to him enough. I didn’t close my mouth and stop telling him what he should do enough. I didn’t stop trying to impose my will on his depression. I can see that now.
I love him, I have forever and I will forever. I only want to see him better and happy.
It’s not my job to do anything but listen to him. I should have shut up. I know that what he did is on him but I can’t help but shoulder some of the blame.
On the 29th (Girlkid’s 17th birthday), Wolfman made a very good attempt at suicide. He was found by his family and his sister told me what happened. She promised me that she’d tell me if he didn’t make it. She blames me, blames all of us connected to him, but told me I deserve to know.
I went to bed, exhausted by my tears and fear, and was terrified to check my messages in the morning. Since there was nothing, I’m assuming he still lives. And I’m assuming he’s getting the help he needs.
And part of that is me separating myself from him and giving him time. If he’s ever ready to talk to me again, I’ll be here. Still loving him.
The reason I wanted to talk to you about this, on the final day of 2016, is this:
If you know someone suffering from mental illness then shut up and listen. Close your mouth and open your ears. Support, don’t dictate. Help however they need you to; if that means listening, listen. If that means sitting there with them silently, do that. If it means helping them remember to take their medications or make their appointments (and they’ve asked for help), do it.
But for Gods’ sake, stop telling them what you think is best. Step in if there’s a danger but mostly, your job is to support, listen, love. That’s it.
I pray that 2017 gives him time to heal and helps him find some peace, even if it’s without me.
And I pray that 2017 is a much better year for everyone. I pray for those who lost loved ones.
For me, changes are coming. A move. More school. A shift in how I treat myself. I have plans. Dreams. Goals. And I will follow them through.
I am posting this unedited. I can’t bear to read what he did again. My pain is for him, for me, for his daughters. It’s about loss, fear, the thought of what was almost permanently gone. I am heartbroken but there is a kernel of hope because Wolfman is one of the strongest people I know. If he comes back to me, I will welcome him with open arms and beg forgiveness. If he doesn’t, well, that’s what’s best for him.
Much love and light to you and yours, dear readers. Have a wonderful new year.
And Henry… If you’re reading this, I’ve need of you. You know how to find me.